#108: The Daily Cedric

The amount of drama, if you put it that way, occurring in my life nowadays. To pity rival bloggers hoping to catch up with my number of posts, I'll put all this in one post. I have one too many 'incidents' to actually publish in a day's edition of a newspaper. So here we go...

NATION

Fire Up
PETALING JAYA: A collaboration of churches gathered together at Fire Up, a conference aimed at the younger generation of today. Held in Glad Tidings, the two-day conference featured Michael Rowan, a well-known speaker from Texas. With his hilarious wit and in-your-face sincerity, his messages resulted in many people touched and saved. "To those who didn't go, LOSER!" commented Cedric, from FGA KL, who attended the conference.

ENTERTAINMENT

Movie Review of Transformers
Looking for action, adventure, action, adventure, action, AND adventure? And a hot babe? Go watch Transformers. This review has been cut short due to lack of manpower at the newspaper station, resulting in the writer of this review go and cover sports.

Megan Fox tops Cedric Hottie List
Stunner Megan Fox was voted 'top hottie' on the The Cedric Hottie List recently. Fox, who starred in Transformers, was voted ahead of a many beauties whom we will not list due to lack of space, cuz we don't have enough money to print our paper.

Cedric receives 4 gig of Spiderman
Spiderman enthusiast Cedric received a CD containing 4 gig of Spiderman comics, donated to him by Joshua Chang. That's all. Yes. We just wanted you to know.

BUSINESS

Cedric is Bankrupt!
Highly prestigious human company Cedric was declared bankrupt yesterday. "Sad to say, we are indeed bankrupt." said Cedric, President of the company. "It was due to over excessive spending, unorganized financial planning, and mere stupidity." However, he added that this wasn't the end of Cedric. "We are planning to have a fund-raising event. Possibly hold it at a pub or nightclub, where families can spend time together, have a good time, and raise money all at the same time." Do look out for ads concerning this event.

SPORTS

Father Wanka wins The One Challenge
DAMANSARA: Father Wanka was crowned champion at The One Challenge, a foosball tournament, here at 1 Utama today. Also known as Jun Min, Wanka won himself a foosball table worth over RM 4,000 and RM 500 in cash. "Us Wankas are born winners." Wanka's son, Cedric Wanka, said. "Winning was something we were meant to do." When asked about the plans for the future, Junior Wanka replied. "Honestly, there are no plans. But we could well use RM 500 for a healthy amount of alcohol." Father Wanka could not be reached for further comment, because of this newspaper's lousy reporters and resources, and Junior Wanka's constant hogging of the limelight.

BONUS READ

Dear Readers,

It is our greatest displeasure to announce that our newspaper has been forced to shut down due to complaints of lousy coverage, mediocre reporters, and a hauntingly freaky obsession over the name 'Cedric.'

The Editor.